I turned 50 on Tuesday. 50. And nothing I thought I was going to do happened. Here’s why:
I’m not going to lie, the situation in Ukraine put a huge damper on my birthday plans, as did the lovely pandemic, and at first I found myself paralyzed with fear and uncertainity about what was unfolding before my eyes. In fact, I had a huge panic attack on Sunday – I admit it! I freaked the F out with Putin putting his nuclear forces on high alert – which lead me to think if anything I had done during my life really important? If I died today, what would I have accomplished? And really, after years of dealing with the idea that at push of one button we would all be dead only to have things calm down and people seemingly be open to constructive dialog and disarmament…only to have this bullshit rear up again? What the actual fuck was the point of life if it could end suddenly, and no one would be left to remember or inherit what I had worked on so hard throughout my life? Er, we had worked on….oh shit, I really do mean I. Damn being an Only Child.
Yep, that’s what I spent most of Sunday thinking about.
And then Monday rolled around and two of my lovely co-workers and friends stopped by to drop off these amazing balloons and even more amazing cupcakes for my birthday and I just wanted to burst into tears and cry in front of them and thank them over and over again for thinking of me when the world was so obviously ending. Instead we talked and laughed, and I did hug them and told them how I wished we were all together in the office so we could have fun and go out to lunch and do NORMAL ASS THINGS. And then I went back up to my apartment and kind of sat there and thought, Fuck This. Putin is not going to fucking RUIN my birthday! Fuck Putin. FUCK PUTIN!
The point is, rage is a very interesting and useful emotion. If you use it wisely. I’m not sure how I’ll use it yet, but it has NOT gone away and I am still furious that one fucking MAN can ruin the world.
I’ve made it around the sun 50 times, I plan to make it around another 50 more. Ukraine may be the beginning of something new for us all, especially for me. And, to the fiber of my being, I will work to fight injustice and bullshit in the world for as long as I live.
Let’s see what the next 50 years brings. BRING IT ON.
I Was Born an Only Child 